Self Trust

For those of us conditioned as women, one of the trickiest things to learn in adulthood is how to trust ourselves, to listen to our own still, small voice in the midst of the patriarchal cacophony we’re living in and working so hard to disrupt. The challenge isn’t that we don’t have an inner voice, but that we have to defy our gendered conditioning to find it.

Photo of Dara Laine Murray by Emily Wilkerson at Harvest Retreats

Since infancy, many of us assigned female at birth are conditioned to smile on demand, to make sure those around us are comfortable at our own expense (and sometimes even personal safety), and to serve everyone before ourselves. We are taught that caregiving is an inherent expectation of our “womanhood” and necessary if we want to earn the ever-evasive approval of the patriarchy—like finding ourselves a mate. We were taught that to speak up was “unladylike” and most certainly to never, ever express anger, frustration, or resistance.

For most of us, though, we begin to realize that we’re paying an extraordinary price for all the things we don’t say and all the chances we’re afraid to take. We second-guess our judgment, default to our cultural conditioning, and keep ourselves small to make space for others. As we’ve stifled our intuition, denied our needs, wants, and feelings, cared for others at our own expense, and swallowed our rage in the face of injustice, it finally and suddenly hits us: I am so much more than the roles I play in the lives of other people. This is no longer a cost I’m willing to pay.

So where do we go from here? Where do we start?

“We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.” ― Richard Rohr

In my experience, trusting myself enough to listen to my inner voice amidst all the noise is rarely honking and loud but more often quiet and soft. Blink (or stare too long at a social media feed) and I’ll miss it.

Photo of Dara Laine Murray by Emily Wilkerson at Harvest Retreats

I start by simply setting an intention to pay closer attention, and suddenly, in the smallest and most mundane everyday details, I begin to notice little insights and nudges everywhere, little clues to follow back to myself and my inner truth. And as I become more acquainted with myself…